henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
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chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
🍛
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Unexpected Judgment
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William