I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
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[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*