Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
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I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen