wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
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Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.