My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
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Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”