if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
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Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect