While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
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One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Hard not to take this personally
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Bond. Trauma bond.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names