Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
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new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Me too door. Me too.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.