Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
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My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.