BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
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One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Damn what did I do next
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.