I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
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me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school