Copy Editor is a rewording career.
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Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?