Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
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Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?