*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
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I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I’m just playing devils avocado here
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily