Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
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[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!