Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
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My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.