My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
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alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that