My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
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DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”