H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
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If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Me as a therapist: omg same
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.