There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
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Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*