You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
No regrets in 2018
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.