Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
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I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]