90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
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The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.