Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
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if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Guantanamo Bae