Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
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I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Perfect
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.