“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
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i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.