DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
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Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery