I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
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Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up