Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
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Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
my mind
You just read my mind
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.