When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
How do dragons blow out candles?
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
I have two kinds of followers
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?