Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
You Might Also Like
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.