[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
You Might Also Like
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
“Sheer Arrogance”
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.