[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
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Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.