My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
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It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
welp
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?