Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.