“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
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My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
I saw this ending much differently.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind