If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
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Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.