Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
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Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
.. do you even science?