I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
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Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Come back with a warrant
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*