Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
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Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
My what?
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?