[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
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When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
This bar smells like my childhood.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.