I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
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The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.