sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
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First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.