“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
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ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Twitter fine art
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.