ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.