Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
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My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
No laws when master is gone
There’s never enough good news
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling