I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
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I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Tough love is true love
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.