Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
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welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”