Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
You Might Also Like
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.