Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
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i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!